Thought(s about) Control

Last night, I received an unexpected and delightful check-in from the effervescent A, followed by a muchly anticipated phone date with the magnificent M, full of updates from their newest life-chapters and support for the various projects going on mine.  After hanging up from both of these overall good conversations, I pretty much immediately burst into tears.  As a would-be psychologist, I was able to engage in an intrapersonal "what the heck, man?" line of questioning to sort this out, and came to no real resounding conclusions other that I miss my friends.  Many of them are launching into really exciting parts of their careers, and I am honest-to-God thrilled.  Seriously, these folks are going to change the world.  Watch out.  My path is somewhat different, for reasons that are both in and out of my control.

Something about this project feels, well, important.  And I understand that yes, health is important, and yes, changing habits for the better is really important for the long-term for both J and myself.  Of course we want to be able to run after our children without huffing and puffing, live long and resplendent lives, and look bangin' at various reunions.  But when I take a step back to think about why, after all the years and diets and efforts to lose weight, all the iterations of all the plans that I've started and stopped, why this time is different.  Why it feels bigger than two people, a plan and a blog.  And part of that is what I talked about before; that this cyber confessional keeps me accountable for the changes I'm trying to make.

But it's something else too. There is something to be said about taking the reigns of what one actually has control over.  Fact of the matter is, I can control what I put in my mouth.  I can control how I manage my time enough to get to the gym.  It's hard,  but it's doable.  There is a comfort in this type of control, particularly  when everything else is out of my hands. And on this, the anniversary of the attacks that have colored the fabric of our nation, accepting things that are out of one's control feels appropriate.  But this shift in gears is difficult for me.  I often so desperately want to control the various moving pieces in my life, in the hopes that without the noise of the unknown, I can force things into a shape and order that will eliminate space for anything negative to creep in.  Believe me, I am well aware of the impossibility of this feat.  In fact, I'm working (pretty hard, actually) on letting go of responsibility over impossible things.  The other half of this equation is actually taking responsibility and ownership over the things that do lie within my reach.  I could be doing a lot more to take the bull by the horns in other parts of my life, and I have the sense that I will.  But for now it looks like making sure I pack a lunch and put my gym bag in the car on the way to work.  Soon it will look like writing and rewriting cover letters and finishing the endless hours tally for the APPI, but for now, it's situps and Couch to 5K. 

Speaking of things that are and are not within my control, I would like to send a little personal thank you to all the JHSPH folks who cleaned out the kitchen after scrumptious-looking sandwich/cookies leftovers were put there after some catered lunch.  Admittedly, I was plagued by wayward thoughts of scavenging the leftovers and had justified myself by mentally devoting extra time on the treadmill tonight.  But when I wandered back into the kitchen, they were gone.  Nothing but a half-eaten cookie and mangled bits of lettuce remained strewn about the lonely-looking doilies. And I, for one, was grateful. While I know I am perfectly capable of controlling whether or not I swipe a free cookie or sandwich, I was feeling peckish, bored (sometimes research is boring.  Hard to believe, right?), and self-righteous (I'm a poor grad student, I deserve free food, no matter what is slathered between the slabs of carby goodness) -- key ingredients for diet disaster.  Thank you, whoever you are, for removing the temptation and allowing me to continue to exercise a modicum of control over this (rather trivial) corner of my existence.

Thank you also to have and continue to serve this country in varied and countless ways.  Thank you for allowing me the luxury of fretting about things like sandwiches instead of safety.  Thank
you for controlling what you are able to in your sphere of influence in this world, so that I might continue to exercise my ability -- and right -- to control what I can in mine. May we all find some solace in the expectation that we, as individuals and together as one human family, are forever engaged in the act of balancing what we can hold and what we must release.