The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Happy season of overindulgence, everyone!  Or at least that what it usually feels like to me this time of year. My apologies for the prolonged period of silence. There is much news to go around! Typically I like bad news first so as to end on a positive note. I'm sure my psychology friends can quibble over what that means about me.

The Bad News:

Why can you get your ass in gear, A?

As you may have expected from the lack of communication here, J and I have fallen off the Fit Anniversary wagon. For the most part, anyway.  There were some positive strides and silver linings, especially in the midst of National Day of Eating Too Much (went for several runs and walks while in Florida for the Thanksgiving holiday). Since then I've been trying to make good food choices...but not that hard.  The worst offence is that I haven't been to WW in waaaaaaaaayy too long. It's the same cycle as always: I fear the scale and what that means --> I avoid the scale and thus also responsibility for what I'm putting in my body --> continue to live in guilt-laden ignorance of the number as well as the need to do something about it. Oy.  Though this behavior is not defensible, I have been varying degrees of ill since before turkey day, which hasn't helped in the whole getting-to-the-gym department. And frankly, I'm just not into it lately.  It's not an excuse, it's just true.  Given the choice to be healthy or do...quite literally, anything else, I've been choosing the latter.  My beloved goddaughter has the hilarious habit of screaming/crying/pleading the words "No thank you!" repeatedly and with increasing volume and hysteria when she is made to do something she doesn't want to do. We all know how she feels, and I in particular with Fit Anniversary as of late.  Gym? No thank you. Low fat/cal/carb? No thank you. Weigh in? No thank you. But! There is some good news.

The Good News:
Internship interviews are under way!  A few down, and more to go after the new year.  January is a busy travel month, a problem for which I am very, very grateful. So far the nuttiness includes visiting at least 7 different states, 1,000+ miles on my Old Man Mobile, and a 6-legged flight from DC to St. Louis and back, with stops in Georgia and Chicago in between. The illustrious N recommended I laminate a detailed itinerary including flight numbers and time changes. Mostly I've wanted to string up a map of the US and star new places that I've visited as a part of this process, to get a full view of where I have been and where I've yet to go.  It's been fun getting to know parts of this great country that I've never been to, and appreciate some very different ways of being across the board. Not to mention how great it has been reconnecting with old friends and making new ones.

This does not look very tasty.
And certainly not as tasty as bread.

But, as is inevitably the case, there's some ugliness that accompanies these two categories of goings-on. Ok, so I have these interviews - yay!  But my suits are TIGHT - boo. Found another suit which suits my needs (harhar), namely that it's not boring, and with the help of some trusty Spanx I seem to be good to go. Truthfully, I was hoping to have to option of wearing my other suits in time for the January interviews, as I am very close to being able to wear them...but not without spilling out everywhere Pillsbury Dough Boy-style. I figured some intensive exercise and juice-fasting would get me on track, but as January is only a few weeks away, it's not looking like it's going to happen, which is disappointing. Also because I haven't actually done any intensive exercise or fasting.

Really, this latest bout of stalled progress shouldn't be that surprising. Like many others in this boat, I've struggled with weight/exercise issues for the majority of my life.  Not sure why I'm disheartened that it's a struggle now too. Reminds me of that good ol' Einstein quote about insanity being doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. In the meantime I am plagued by waves of anxiety, which do not help either in the eating or focusing-on-anything-that's-actually-important departments. Said waves fit mostly under the umbrella of "internship shit," but also about money, family, Christmas, health, friendships and other rather important or looming topics. The combination of anxiety, illness, and legit dog-tiredness from all the running around that has been happening recently make it very difficult for me to do anything constructive. Part of me wants to throw up my hands, run away from work and continue engaging in my favorite self care activities of the moment: sleeping, reading, painting my nails and watching RHoA. This is of course knowing that doing so will mean even more to do the next day.  But perhaps that's ok for now.  At some point it won't be, but for now, there's not really a whole lot else to do.  Refreshing my email every 30 seconds waiting for news, worrying about things beyond my control, and fretting about the future of those near and dear to me are not helpful. And frankly, it's breeding a lot of ugliness in my world at a time when I'm trying hard to enjoy what beauty I find.  And to that I say: no thank you.